This is how I hide:
by constantly moving
buying take away coffees instead of sitting down and ordering in
solitude when it’s not purely to spend time by myself for my own energetic and creative needs
staying quiet when there is something I want to say from my heart
averting my eyes so you can’t see in
wearing dark glass and headphones which looks uninviting to outside contact
avoiding social engagements and limiting social contact
keeping a safe barrier by being abrupt or short
There’s probably many more tools I have used over the years but these are the main ones.
There are many reasons why I hide:
a life-preserving habit I developed as a child in relationship to my mother
I learned as early as Grade 4 that if you shine your light too brightly others will attack you and try to bring you down
I am introverted and shy by nature
I don’t always trust people
despite the fact I know I have done and achieved some pretty amazing things in my life so far I still don’t always believe in and back my own light
During the week I shared a self-portrait and a spontaneous poem with a facebook group that I am part of. It is a diverse group of women, supportive, wise and deep. The words were easy to share. I have blogged for four years now and am mostly unafraid to publish my words but sharing a photo that I had taken of myself made me feel vulnerable and uncomfortable. I hesitated before I posted it but post it I did. It was a safe place to do this kind of sharing and I received nothing but encouragement and support. I realized afterwards that my discomfort was with me seeing me, with me sharing my own image of myself in a way that said “hey I love and value myself and I want to share that with you all.”
Since I’ve come back to Melbourne I have slowly enveloped myself into a chrysalis. To some I have looked lost and indecisive and to others just resting here quietly for a while. Inside this chrysalis a deep transformation has been taking place; healing of old and deep wounds, clarification of purpose, knowledge of self, growing into my own light and brilliance. And because of all of this there are some things I am done with. I am done with shrinking away from my own light as I am done with hiding who I really am and that includes my spiritual nature.
This cycle of transformation is coming to an end soon. I am in the final stages and developing comfort with being seen but more importantly how I see myself is part of it. To practice seeing and sharing myself and in celebration of me and my transformation, I have decided to take a self-portrait a day, and…I type this reluctantly…share it…via facebook. I can feel my resistance already. What will people think of me posting photos of myself? They’ll think I’m a freak or vain or have too much love for myself or I’m just plain weird. What if I receive flack or criticism? What if they want to de-friend me or hide my posts? I hear all these concerns and know it doesn’t really matter because I’m also done with worrying about what everyone else thinks of me. It is a practice in being present with myself and an exercise in self-love that I am doing for me and sharing with you all because I want to share my light and I am worthy of sharing my light.
So let the self-portraits begin….
Here is the spontaneous poem and self-portrait that started it off…
Oh sun on my skin
Sun on my skin
Feeling the blessings
And joy within
Heart shaped clouds
Pass in the sky
And ring reply
I breathe the earth
Here where I lie
Heart does sigh
Oh sun on my skin
Sun on my skin
This is the best way
Thank you Hannah Marcotti for the inspiration from your own daily self-portraits.