I can see the wind whipping the soft twig branches of the trees outside the living room window. The sky is bright grey without a patch of blue sky. I sit here wrapped in my fluffy white dressing gown trying to keep the cool air away from my skin. Talk-back radio, my brother-in-law’s choice, blares in the background as I sit here tapping away at my computer. It is 13 degrees they say. Thermals. I need thermals and lots of warm clothing if I am going to enjoy this Melbourne winter. Only Monday I was lying on the beach basking in the final summer sunshine and now I’m about to scavenge my wardrobe for as many layers as I can find to wrap warmth close to my body. Winter has come knocking early.
I have been back in Melbourne for ten weeks. I am still living with my eldest sister and her family, sleeping on a foldout bed with my bags and cases hidden under the bed and clothes strewn in messed up piles in the bottom of the wardrobe. I have returned to work with my old employer part-time, not wanting to fully let go of freedom or return permanently to my old line of work. I have enjoyed being back, reconnecting with family and friends and the dry warmth of the ebbing summer. However, these first blasts of icy wintry air make me want to beat a hasty retreat back to the humid warmth of the tropics. Fiery sunsets over azure seas, diving, flip flops, shorts and messy beach hair. I miss parts of that idyllic life. I felt a freedom that I do not feel here and I felt so much closer to nature that is interrupted by the concrete and glass of my suburban and city life.
Slowly my roots have stretched out and started to relax into this new old life but my life is still in transition with a temporary home and a temporary job, as a new path unfolds before me. Sometimes I think it would just be so much easier to go back to my old life pre-leaving. At times, the in-between can feel so shaky, so confusing and even scary that I often feel the urge to go back to something known. But that’s not what I really want and there is something greater than me that won’t let me go back. No matter where we are or what we do, we move through life and situations that will never stay the same forever. Life changes all the time and nothing is certain. I am learning to be okay with that, learning to accept that where I am in this present moment is perfect and that the certainty and stability I seek is held within me.
|Storm sweeping over Port Phillip Bay, Melbourne|
|Welcome back sign from one of my work colleagues|
|Stormy sunset, Melbourne|